#the bed thing is stuck in my brain
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I just realised that Iām Sheldon Cooper when I comes to my roomā¦
#I hate when people are in it#I hate when they touch things or ask me loads of questions#I HATE when someone sits on my bed#itās my worst one#it makes me so fucking uncomfortable#I sleep in there why are you sitting on my bed#get off my bed#I hate it so much oml#Iām okay only with very specific people in my room#Iām okay when those people know my boundaries#but anyone else can absolutely not step foot in#the bed thing is stuck in my brain#itās not even funny#I hate it so much#if you donāt sleep in it#get off!!#it literally sends every nerve in my body haywire#I feel like Iām going to explode if someone touches it#r
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Shen Yuan getting transported into pidw isn't "the system punishing him for being a lazy internet hater," but instead representative of "step 1 of the creative process: getting so mad at something you decide to go write your own fucking book" in this essay I will
#svsss#scum villian self saving system#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#the fact that people think scum villain#-a series that examines and criticizes common tropes in fiction-#is somehow against criticism or being a little hater is wild to me#especially since shen qingqiu never gets punished for being a hater#heck- he's still a little hater by the end of the series#he mostly gets punished for treating life like a play and like he and the people around him are characters#(or in other words- he suffers for denying his own wants and emotions and his own sense of empathy)#I think some of y'all underestimate how much writing/art is inspired by creaters being little haters#like example off the top of my head-#the author of Iron Widow has been pretty vocal about the book being inspired by their hatred of Darling in the Franxx#I think my interpretation of Shen Yuan's transmigration is also supported by the fact that this series is an examines writing processes#side note- though i understand why people say Shen Yuan is lazy and think its a valid take it still doesnt sit right with me#i am probably biased because my own experiences with chronic pain and depression and isolation#but ya- i dont think Shen Yuan is lazy so much as he is deeply lonely and feels purposeless after denying parts of himself for 20ish years#like yall remember the online fandom boom from covid right?#being stuck completely alone in bed while feeling like shit for 20 days straight does shit to your brain#the fact that no one came to check on him + he wasn't exactly upset about leaving anyone behind supports the isolation interpretation too#+in the skinner demon arc he describes his life of being a faker/inability to stop being a faker now that he's Shen Qingqiu#as āso bland he's tempted to throw salt on himselfā and āall he could do is lay around and wait for deathā (<-paraphrasing)#bro wants to be doing stuff but is stuck in paralysis from repeatedly following scrips made by other people#another point on āShen Yuan isnāt lazyā is just the sheer amount of studying that man does#also he did graduate college- how lazy can he really be#he doesnt know what hes doing but he at least tries to actively train his students#and he actually works on improving his own cultivation + spends quite a bit of time preping the mushroom body thing#+he's experiencing bouts of debilitating chronic pain throughout all this#but ya tldr: Shen Yuan's transmigration is an encouragement to write and not a punishment and also i dont think its fair to call him lazy
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i canāt do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I donāt want to do it Iām just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. Iāll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. Iād love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period canāt decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damnā¦.#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally wonāt die. itāll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but Iām still stressing myself about it so my thoughts arenāt really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I donāt really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? itās been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just donāt#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but itās not very fun when it feels like Iām going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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Feeling very Ascension by Gorillaz ft Vince Staples at 2:18
#i need to solve a puzzle or some shit. god. fuck.#i cant concentrate on anything i cant fall asleep i cant stay asleep i cant stay awake i cant wake up on time#i hate depression š and all the other things wrong with me yknow#i need to do something like. good for me. but its so damn hard to drag myself into doing that too#brain. stop being so foggy. please.#im even like. im eating im drinking water. i could probably like do some sort of exercise but everything makes me so tired.....#like even a walk yknow? i do my shift at work and im at 3% battery. i dont. i dont know what to do man#and i dont even wanna die about it???? im actively NOT suicidal for once#like are you kidding me??? ive been suicidal for like over a decade and for once#my brain is still popping up like have you considered killing yourself? š¤ but im Genuinely not swayed by it at all#which is weird. and probably good. but now i just feel like. numb#stuck. stagnant. foggy. can we PLEASE cut through this fog and have some meaningful brain functions for a little bit. brain. cmon#i dont wanna die but i *do* wanna sleep for like. three days#i want a week off where i have NOTHIN to do#genuinely nothing to do. chores are done work is on pause i need nothing creeping in at the edges thinkin bout#ohhhhh you should be doing this instead..........youre wasting your time........do a task.....#but i cant i cant do a task. i cant. and its so frustrating and i feel bad about it#id feel much worse about it if my BRAIN wasnt as foggy as fucking SAN FRANCISCO#and i keep trying like. healthy ways of ''feeling something'' like hobbies i like or yummy food#nothin. does fuckin nothin. i get off and it gives me a Little bit of clarity Maybe. like#no wonder bad coping mechanisms happen yknow??? its an absolute fucking miracle i havent taken up smoking#anyway. i need to go to bed. tomorrows gonna be a long day. if you feel so inclined send me mental love or something. im fuckin tired folks.
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hm. i don't want to get my hopes up. but maybe the reason i only remember good things really spottily and i can't distinguish them from dreams is because i was kind of raised to think that good things = dreams, bad things = reality. so. maybe if i can change the way i think about it i'll start remembering more
#i'm probably grasping at straws here but i really don't just want to be stuck like this permanently#stuck not remembering the good. stuck forgetting my friends and sister and fun times#i know that sometimes stuff in my brain just like. changes out of nowhere. usually it's because of a perspective chanbe#like as a young kid i didn't have any empathy really at all and now i have the normal amount#not really sure what happened i just like. got some one day#anyways the point is i don't know much abt psychology but the way u frame things is like... important im pretty sure#so im not gonne hang all my hope on it or anything but i do think it's worth a shot#marin rambles#okay probably going to bed now. goodnight tristate area
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doing really bad in ways i canāt talk about which is making it worse
#just cancelled a meeting so i could cry in the office LMAOOOOOOO š„°š#purrs#the mortifying ordeal of my therapist being on her honeymoon rn š¹š¹š¹š¹š¹#i think i am just a bad person and my needs hurt people who need me. and itās not fair to them and idont know what to do with that.#i think i may have to move out sooner than i am ready to and not listen to anyone telling me to keep waiting. this is not sustainable. itās#not sustainable for my family because i hurt them with my needs. and itās not sustainable for me to be unable to need and get what i need#without hurting them. i think whatās so hard about this is that i have to do it alone and everyone is against me doing it but i have to do#it anyway. i donāt know. i donāt want my sister to see this and get hurt. if you do see this im sorry i canāt be what you need. im sorry my#needs hurt you. but theyāre needs. i have to be selfish even though my brain is screaming at me in your voice that i donāt. i just need to#escape it all. i am allowed to need independence and alone time and im sorry i was cruel about asserting it but i need to assert it and no#one at home understands why but I need to. im not talking coherently i just feel so wretched and sick to my stomach with guilt and grief and#frustration and shame and i have to facilitate a huge session in an hour and a half.#delete later#like my friends / mutuals / mentors / etc can tell me until theyāre blue in the face that i am not a bad person and i deserve to live an#independent Life etc etc but none of you are actually in my house and you donāt see how it is and how i am the cause of all of it and how im#stuck and making things worse. and i canāt summon my strength or calm down or anything. i donāt know. i have to get ready for the session i#just canāt even think straight. my family is right and i am also right and i canāt assert my rightness over theirs. so im stuck forever.#if i could i would leave work early and go home but thereās no one to take me home and home is actually the worst possible place to be#right now LOLLLLL. i just need to curl into a bed and cry. also im about to get my period so thats probably why im like this lol
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guys i rearranged my room <3
#now i just need to like. clean it#BUT im hoping the change will help my brain stop feeling so stale and stuck#i've moved my bookshelf right up to my bed so now i can actually see and remember my books are there#AND i got a like. a hangy thing for my clothes so i can see all of them all the time and wont forget what clothes i have#i cleaned my mirrors and switched the couch and vanity around which managed to really open up the room which is cool#found the collection of art books that i've never used in my life but absolutely should so now they're on the bookshelf#idk im feeling good and refreshed#captain speaks
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god i feel fucking awful lmao
#it has now been a full week of crash#the longest in a long time. maybe like a year?#it is really disheartening and bringing up a lot of feelings and fears of how long its gonna take to bounce back#i felt like this for over a year and it was awful and i dont want to go back!#like im sure it'll pass soon based on the progress ive made these past two years but fucking hell. i cant go back to living like this#everything hurts and my brain is made of lead and I'm missing out on a lot of cool things to just be stuck in bed#i hate this!!!#someone please get me a new body i am begging
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special interest fixation roulette spun me HARD i am absolutely reeling. its like falling in an love but objectively worse
#something about being stuck in bed all day feeling miserable#makes my brain resort to drastic actions#if i am lucky the fixations can coexist in peace#but u know i only got so much room for thinking and planning#worst thing about last years decision to finally write fanfic: it is now a thing that i want to do. real bad.#ztext#affirmations: i have normal interests that i am engaged in a normal amount šļøššļø
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gosh dangit mother fuckers
#i havent been home in almost 3 weeks and i have traveresed the entire west coast practically as well as the majority of the pacific ocean#i was supposed to be on a plane home today but they canceled my flight bc the atmospheric river coming in which tight#except i was staying on a very leaky boat the last few nights waiting for my flight and now#i am in a room to weather the storm thanks to my extremely amazing beau#but i forgot things#very necessary things#for being stuck in a motel room for two days w nowhere to go#back on the boat#which is 20min away#its not storming yet i can go i can so do it yknow but also??#i soent two nights on a storming boat and i am SO TIRED#the fact that i forgot my ear buds and my kindle which were the promise to get me thru this imprisonment of stasis idk m8#idk yknow#my brain is so slow#when its sleepy#and now i have to go when i just got into this nice bed that is so soft and warm and not even a little damp from the ceiling
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#feeling like i wanna punch myself in the brain for feeling so stuck rn!!!!!!!!! frustrated#like it doesnāt matter how many times i figure out precisely why i do things the way i do sometimes. it doesnāt matter#bc i still feel stuck in doing them and it SUCKS i would 100% rather be less self aware if thatās the case#like i know iām tired but that has 0 to do with why i feel like i canāt start my work rn so instead iām just. š§š»āāļø sitting on my bed#doing nothing and kicking myself for not. just doing it#even though i know why it doesnāt actually help anything now does it š#this has been a rant
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#delete later#im getting snippets of brain screaming#which is a lil concerning as i havent had any in over a year.#im pretty damn sure it's health anxiety but that doesn't do much to calm me down bc i dont know whats wrong#im also not really sleeping well so thats defo making things worse. fucking two hours lying in bed#i got so stuck in my brain that i got completely overwhelmed and had to do my meltdown routine to calm down#thank god work isn't busy#bc my concentration is fucking shot!
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yall ever get weird dreams when taking antibiotics?
#im not a person who dreams a lot or remembers them usually#but i fell asleep on the couch a little after taking mine earlier today and it was a weird ass dream#like i 'woke up' from my nap in the dream and went this is wrong my grandparents arent home this is a dream#so then i 'woke up' again in the exact same way except then i noticed that chunks of my hair had fallen out and running my fingers through#my hair caused more to fall out (it was also way way longer than my hair now) and then i got up and went to the bathroom and dream logic#was that i was having a weird reaction to the meds causing the hair loss. and i looked in the mirror in the bathroom but my reflection was#just off. like it was me but didnt look like me. and then i went oh this is still a dream#so then i actually woke up for real in the exact same way as i did in the dream in my spot on the couch and i was just so tired still#and my body felt so sleep heavy and like getting up would be impossible but i didnt wanna fall back asleep immediately and be stuck in#the dream vortex again so i got up and actually went to the bathroom for real#happy to report reflection was normal and as expected#it was just a really weird feeling. so it was either the antibiotics or having a nap on the couch that did weird things to my brain#napping on couches seems to have that effect on me honestly. sleep in a bed in the middle of the afternoon? no prob.#but a couch nap is where the weird dreams and nightmares are#my textposts
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pros of reading my own writing: i wrote it. i know what i like. i am having fun
cons of reading my own writing: i am always editing it even when i dont wanna write i just wanna chill and enjoy a scene but then i notice something i could do better bc i'm not done with the story and then bam im writing again
#crunchyposts#ttf#i like writing but there are days where i spent all day doing it i just wanna enjoy something i did but then UAYGFSAFDGASHJFD#anyways related note im planning on going to the library this week while my sibling's doing a thing so im stuck there for a few hours#ill take my laptop and some books do some writing and stuff have fun#maybe ill figure out some stuff im struggling w once im there like brain Focuses Up once im in a place thats not my bed#also language practice prob. im excited even though i dont like leaving the house lol
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#text#managed to convince myself to go to bed early to prepare for being back at work#Iām already disillusioned with work for a number of reasons#but I still put my all into things so I tried to be sensible#why did my brain decide I needed to traumatise myself#woke up almost in a panic attack bc I thought I was still stuck abroad#and that none of my friends were awake and could reply to me#I woke up and did not recognise my bedroom and even sitting in the bathroom felt haunting#brain could you pls let me chill#I donāt need any new debuffs my current ones are plenty
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I like how I was without power for like less than 12 hrs and I already started having a psychological breakdown SJFKVLLV
#and just when i hit rock bottom. my led lights turned on and blinded me#idk i went to bed early cause there was nothing to do#and it was fine#and then i suddenly woke up at 4 smth and couldnt go back to bed#and it was just that thing where you cant fall asleep and you cant do anything else#so your brain just goes on an hr long rant about how horrible everything is and how useless you are#it got to the point of 'why do you even post anything you do. youre pointless'#why :( why must my brain take any chance to plunge my self worth into the guttrr#tho honestly i feel so deprived lately of talking to anyone abt my stuff :(#but it was even worse today bcs i was just resigning myself to getting stir crazy and even more deprived#bcs my friend said to me that it might take days for the power to come back š#and i really was not mentally prepared to be stuck with my brain for any longer#lmao tho i was like hey maybe i can work on some writing-#but then electricity decided to shine its power and light upon me#idk if i can sleep anymore which really sucks#i feel physically and mentally tired but i dont think i can go thru the self hatred rant again#ig its like i try to think of other things like fic or oc scenarios but then its like weirdly tiring and i just can't#but then somehow have the energy to just overthink every little horrible thing#and make myslef feel like a worthless undesirable person for like an hr on end#dont take this as if i cant be stuck with myself and my thoughts#but just not at this evil time of night where everything is cruel and out to get me#anyways i digress. i feel lonely :/ like an unwatered plant or smth lately. and this just pushed me further on that note#catie.rambling.txt
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